I have a new blog!
Meet you there!
I have a new blog!
Meet you there!
Right or wrong,
Joy and sorrow,
These are of the mind only.
They are not yours.
It is not really you
Who acts or enjoys.
You are everywhere,
Forever and truly free,
The single witness of all things.
But if you see yourself as separate,
Then you are bound.
"I do this. I do that."
The big black snake of selfishness
Has bitten you!
"I do nothing."
This is the nectar of faith,
So drink and be happy!
Know you are one,
With the fire of this conviction, burn down the forest of ignorance.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~Kahlil Gibran
I realized something profound last night during my meditation. What I realized is that I have been grieving. Allow me to explain…
For those of you who don’t know, I am 10 weeks pregnant. Excuse me for just coming out and saying it and not giving you the proper reveal that one might expect. But this is how I get news out…I just gotta say it. Most of you who read this already know, but just in case I let a couple slip through the cracks, here it is, the big news! Both Drew and I are very very excited about this little gift. Because yes, it’s an incredible gift. I mean, I get to bring life into this world. Life that comes from my life. I get to shelter this little creature, bring it into complete human form, and then raise it to be person filled with compassion and love. How amazing is that? My body (and my life for that matter) is no longer just mine. It’s a shelter, a refuge. I am beyond amazed at this whole process! And incredibly honored that I have been chosen to carry this little baby. Words cannot describe how I feel about all of this and I am still trying to process it all. So, more on that later!
With this news comes huge, HUGE life decisions and life changes. For one, I had anticipated coming back and pursuing my passion, what I had been working towards for the past year. I was excited and filled with dreams at what was to come for me and the healing I would be able to provide. Although, the news of pregnancy was one filled with excitement, I was also filled with anxiety, fear and grief. Grief for the life I had anticipated immediately after our return. Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware that I will be able to continue to pursue what I love once the baby is born, but life will look a little different. And I often wonder, will my passions change? They may or may not change, and i’m ok with that (now!). I’m allowing life to guide me instead of trying to control it. It may bring about new passions and new dreams. But before I could start thinking this way, I had to grieve. I had to feel sad. I had to feel anxious. I had to feel these things so I could mourn and move on. And moving on I am! I’m now ready to embrace whatever life decides to throw me next!
(Also, I must add that dealing with huge life changes while being pregnant and emotionally and physically all over the place makes getting over things much more difficult…I need to keep reminding myself of this so I can give grace where grace is needed and deserved).
Another thing I am having to grieve is our life in Thailand. I didn’t expect the adjustment to be as challenging and difficult as it has been. The benefit to all of this is that I was needing more challenge, in fact craving it, and was ready to put all that I have learned into practice. Because what good is knowledge without practice? And boy have I been able to practice! And in it all, I am realizing just how strong I really am. This is what brings about growth. And growth is painful. Do you remember growing pains as a child or adolescent? I don’t really because I didn’t grow much, BUT that’s not the point. The point is, it hurts. But it’s necessary. So in these difficult times, I rest in the comfort of knowing that something wonderful and beautiful is going to come from it. And i’m already starting to see the fruits of our labor. But to get there, I had to grieve. I had to feel sad about not living in Thailand anymore. I’ll probably still feel a little sad at times (especially when things get really hard) but I carry Thailand with me in my heart and the most important thing I learned last year was that home rest inside you. Thailand now rests inside me and I will always have access to it.
One of the last things I’ve had to grieve is “the easy life”. Thailand is an easy place to live. It’s a life filled with very little responsibilities and little expectations. I know for certain that we needed that sort of release for a little bit, and in fact it helped give us the space to get to know ourselves better. But once that happened, it was time to move on. This is what I mean when I say I was craving challenge. But, I must admit, that when things get hard, I miss the ease! But what I have to remember is that so much more will be gained from the difficult! Now that I have grieved that life, I can move on and embrace the challenge resting assured that it will change me! And I want to always be changing and growing. I never want to be stagnant.
I write this because I believe that grieving is so important. I believe it’s important to feel whatever it is your feeling without trying super hard to change it just because it’s uncomfortable. When you feel sad, sit with it, allow to be there and learn from it! I’ve gone through so many emotions these past couple of weeks (thank you hormones!) and I am so glad that I did. I needed to. And now I can honestly say that I can move on. I’ve felt it, i’ve learned from it, i’ve gained insight from it, and now i’m ready to accept and let go! One of things I learned about myself in my path of self-inquiry is that I take a long time to process emotions. So by knowing that and not judging or trying to change it, I can let it be and let things pass in their own time.
I am grateful today for my grief because grieving means I have loved and that I have delighted. I wouldn’t change a thing!
Be well friends,
It’s 6:47 am. I’ve been up for the past 2 and a half hours. This seems to be a reoccurring theme. I feel overwhelmed, I feel incredibly hungry, I feel home sick for a home I don’t yet have, I feel a bit lost and I feel sad. I rest in the comfort in knowing that “this too shall pass”. I’m searching for life in the present outside of my anxiety-filled thoughts, but it’s hard to find right now. I must give myself compassion and love so that I may turn this state of mind around. These past two weeks have been filled with many challenges, nothing I can’t handle but I have to admit that sometimes I just want to curl up a ball, in a closet, and completely shut myself off from the world. I’m craving solitude and stillness.
This is my ‘been-in-my-head-for-too-long rant’. Thanks for listening. I’m not going to attempt to return to my body, return to the present.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
This is the kind of Friend
Without making me realize
My soul’s anguished history,
You slip into my house at night,
And while I am sleeping,
You silently carry off
All my suffering and sordid past
In Your beautiful